Thursday, May 22, 2008

stress

I haven't been around much lately. That's sort of true, anyway; I've been online obsessively, checking blogs and emails and Facebook and blogs again. It's a truism among internet addicts that when you've hit refresh on news sites more than once in a day, you need to take a break and get some sunshine.
So why haven't I been writing? Well, honestly, life sucks when you are stressed. I've blogged through exams and all sorts of school stress, but the nailbiting and sweating over whether or not I'll get a job in my field was a whole different ball game. Life turned into waking up, checking everything online, having lunch (often up on campus with Sean, a picnic on the grass), coming home, checking everything again, planning supper, getting groceries for supper, and checking everything again when I got back. I dreamed about job interviews. Every time the gmail indicator blinked that I had a new email, my heart skipped. I couldn't talk about anything else. Nothing happened - we are, of course, still short on money, so a lot of my plans (sewing, painting the bathroom) are on hold because of material cost. It was like suspended animation.
Then last week things started happening, fast. I went in to school to help Sue and David set up the new lab (it's HUGE and pretty awesome compared to the old cramped labs) on Thursday and Friday, and slammed my hand in the locked door of David's car. So Friday afternoon was very much hospitals and ice and ibuprofen, but at least my finger isn't broken or even badly bruised, just numb from a pinched nerve somewhere.
Also around then, Grandpa went into the hospital with an infection in his foot. His condition had, by Saturday, gotten poor enough that we changed around travel plans and instead of going home on Wednesday, I went home Sunday quite early in the morning, with Gail and Mert. He won't be coming home from the hospital. I don't really know how to write about it, so I won't. Right now he's alright and Mom is with him a lot, as is Gail.
On Tuesday, I finally heard from Grant that he won't be hiring me this summer - not enough jobs to go around, apparently. He was the last person to get back to me.
Ah ha, I thought, at least I have the Crafts Council; I like the festivals, and now I'm comfortable with the job and I know the ropes, finally. I felt badly about leaving them, as Shasta is gone too, and Amy was less closely concerned with the festivals. And so I sent off an email to Kate confirming that I was ready to commit to the council for the summer, and got a reply today - the grant fell through, thanks to large budget cuts to the grant program (apparently I am not alone; almost half of the student summer grants were turned down). So I am almost completely without a job. Kate is going to do what she can, and they will bring me back for as long as they can within their own budget, but it won't be the whole summer.
I'm at a loss. There are lots of good things about this situation - I'm graduating next week regardless, and Sean is doing well at a job he likes and can support us both at, in a pinch, and there are myriad ways this can still work out. For now, though, I just don't even know how to deal with the turmoil in my life and the grief in my family. I'm going back to Fredericton tomorrow, ostensibly to work on Saturday morning, but also just to hug my cats and Sean and try to figure out what to do.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Jill said...

Stephanie,
This is the first time I have cried about your "Grandpa". I have not gone to the hospital to visit but I think about him everyday. I also keep you and Michelle and your Mom and Dad close in my thoughts. I am so sorry for all that you seem to be going through right now. Please know that there are people out there who care. I don't know how to help you through this. I know it's so hard to watch someone you love suffer through an illness. Helpless is the best word I can find. Just know that your Grandpa knows you love him very much and that helps him to deal with all that he is going through. He is SO VERY proud of you and Michelle. I feel so lucky to have gotten to know him -I love the way he always makes me smile.
Jill

5:28 PM  

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